Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
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