Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
