Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
Randomize
