i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
