He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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