My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Randomize
