The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
Randomize
