the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
