It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
