i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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