im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
