just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Randomize
