cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
