My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
