I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Randomize
