My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
