4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
