She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
