I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Randomize
