Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Randomize
