Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
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we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
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She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
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