I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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