and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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