Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
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