Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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