I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Randomize
