It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
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I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
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But break dance skills will only take you so far
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
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