I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
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