you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Randomize
