I faked an abortion last night.
exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
