I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
