i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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