Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
Randomize
