I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
