he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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