Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
