Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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