i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Randomize
