All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
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Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
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Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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