i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
