I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
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