I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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