I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
I checked into jail on foursquare
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
