You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
