I'm so fucking centered right now
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
