your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
