and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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