Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
