remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Where are you guys?
Drunk
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
