If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
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You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
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I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
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