I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
