It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize
