GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
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