I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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